Do you sometimes do things you regret? Things that aren’t really in your own best interest?
Sure you do. Everyone does. We stay up later than we should. Overindulge when we know better. Open our mouths and say hurtful things. Procrastinate.
Apparently, it’s part of the human condition. Paul the Apostle complained about it in his letter to the Romans nearly two thousand years ago: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15)
Self-sabotage is one of the most confusing things about being human. Sometimes we really are our own worst enemies, but why?
Psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey say it’s because of our competing commitments. That is, while we may be fully committed to certain goals (going to bed early, exercising, being positive and supportive with our kids and spouse), there are also other, hidden commitments that get in the way.
Like being afraid of missing out on something if I go to bed early. (Or delaying going to bed in an effort to put off having to get up and face an unpleasant day tomorrow.) Like not wanting to feel intimidated by all the younger, fitter bodies at the gym. Like fearing that my spouse and kids won’t respect me if I don’t “keep them in line” with my anger.
Sure, when we look at them consciously, those are pretty lame commitments. But as long as they’re hidden, they remain unconscious and unavailable for examination. And if we never recognize or question them, they’ll just keep getting in the way of what we really want.
So what are the commitments you’re not currently following through on? What promises have you made, to yourself or to others, that you’re not keeping? Take a moment to look beneath the surface, beyond the excuses and rationalizations you give yourself. Is there another commitment you’re serving that’s keeping you stuck?
I encourage you to be honest with yourself. It can take time and patience to fully uncover a competing commitment, let alone undo it. But this is one area where thoughtful self-reflection can pay big dividends.
Once you’ve identified the hidden commitment, see if you can determine the underlying assumption it’s based upon. Kegan and Lahey say that every competing commitment has a “big assumption” at it’s core, usually one that we adopted in childhood and have lived with for years without questioning. See if it isn’t time to re-evaluate that assumption and perhaps upgrade it to something more supportive of where you are in your life now.
For more information about their theory and method, I highly recommend Kegan and Lahey’s Harvard Business Review article, “The Real Reason People Won’t Change”. Though primarily aimed at a business audience, it’s equally applicable to our personal lives and goals.
Happy exploring!