In this post I’ll describe the difference between healthy and toxic shame. It might seem odd to talk about “healthy” shame. After all, it’s so uncomfortable that we usually try to avoid shame (and potentially shaming situations) at all costs. But as with all the emotions, there’s a purpose to shame.
As I talked about in Healing Shame Part 1, shame is a social emotion. It’s a reaction to the state of our connection to others. We feel shame when we perceive that we’re being judged negatively or rejected by the people around us.
Shame is, among other things, our conscience. We’re supposed to feel bad when we hurt someone or violate our moral code. It’s healthy and normal. A person incapable of feeling shame is, by definition, a sociopath.
The best way to heal shame then, in at least some cases, is to make amends. We ease a guilty conscience by saying we’re sorry and setting things right.
But there are also cases where we can be inadvertently or intentionally shamed by others--say, ridiculed or snubbed or betrayed--without having done anything morally wrong. That’s when shame becomes about social status and whether we’ve been treated with less attention or respect than we think we deserve. In that case shame can result in a “status fit” (see the recent Kavanaugh hearing for multiple examples).
But shame can also be caused by too much positive attention. For example, I’ve noticed some men in my circles get very uncomfortable when other men appreciate them. Their internalized judgments get stirred up when they hear positive information that contradicts their negative judgments about themselves, and they feel embarrassed.
This brings us to the toxic version of shame. There’s an old saying that guilt is ‘I made a mistake’ while shame is ‘I AM a mistake’. And that, in a nutshell, describes the difference between healthy and toxic shame. Shame turns toxic when we internalize the perceived judgments of others and start to believe there’s something inherently bad or wrong about us.
When we are shamed as children, we lack the perspective to shrug it off. Our “magical thinking” makes us especially vulnerable because, when bad things happen, we believe they’re our fault. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse are particularly damaging due to the massive amounts of shame they evoke. That shame gets internalized and carried into adulthood in the form of low self-esteem, often resulting in self-destructive (e.g., addictions) or other-destructive behavior.
Most of us have some toxic shame lurking in our psyche. To discover yours, pay attention to what and where you’re hiding. When you find yourself not willing to tell the truth, you can bet shame is there, too. Remember that you’re only as healthy as your secrets.
The key is to start telling your secrets in a safe place. One where there are people with whom you can begin to experience compassionate acceptance of your past. In the men’s circle we say, “Show up and tell the truth.” There is no surer path to healing toxic shame.