I’ve been wanting to write about shame for a while now. But there’s so much to say on the subject, I haven’t been sure where to start. It is a critically important topic. So rather than put it off any longer, I’m just going to dive in and leave whatever doesn’t get covered here for subsequent installments.
Why is shame important to talk about? Because it governs how well we deal with all our emotions, playing a key role in our emotional and relational intelligence. Researchers call shame the “master emotion” for precisely this reason. Yet, in our predominantly individualistic culture, shame remains largely hidden.
Think about it for a moment. When have you felt any of the various “flavors” (embarrassment, awkwardness, feeling “”stupid”, humiliation, remorse, guilt, etc.) of shame? Usually, it’s either because someone else treats you in a way that indicates a negative judgement of you, or you do something that you think would evoke a negative judgement if another person saw or knew about it.
In either case, we’re operating according to what sociologist Charles Cooley described as the “looking glass self”. That is, whether we’re consciously aware of it or not, we’re constantly evaluating how we look through the eyes of others, noting whether we’re being accepted or rejected. And we have a strong emotional response (i.e., shame) when we imagine we’re being rejected. Why? Because we are biologically social beings.
That’s right. Humans, like other social animals, have a deep-seated, biological need for belonging, to feel connected to other members of our species. And we have a powerfully unpleasant emotion (yup, shame) to let us know when our relationships are out of whack. Yet we ignore our shame, whether by suppressing it, or by denying and projecting it onto others, at our peril. Because if you haven’t noticed, shame makes us stupid!
Here we get back to the “”master emotion” aspect of shame. When we’re in a state of shame, it’s difficult to think or act clearly. We may get flustered and say inappropriate things. Or, alternatively, we can transfer our shame onto someone else by shaming them in order to avoid feeling it ourselves. That is, at least until we acknowledge what we’re feeling.
And therein lies the secret to healing shame. It’s about recognizing and allowing yourself to listen to the shame. As with all other emotions, the best way out is the way through. Because just like the other emotions, shame is trying to alert you to what you need. In this case, regarding the state of your relationships with the people who matter to you.
Ultimately, shame requires that you not take yourself too seriously. Because, in the same way grief is released through tears, laughter is what dispels shame. Remember the times as a kid when you laughed so uncontrollably you thought you were going to pee your pants? You may not have known it then, but that was your body releasing a healthy dose of accumulated shame.
So the trick with shame is to be able to laugh at yourself. To not take yourself so seriously. The trap, of course, is that shame can feel extremely serious. Like life and death. You feel exposed. And because shame is such an uncomfortable emotion, there’s an urgency to make the feeling go away as quickly as possible. Is it any wonder that shame lies at the heart of most addictions, not to mention suicide?
I invite you to notice when shame crops up in your life. When things get awkward in a conversation; or you feel disrespected or judged by someone you care about; or you regret something you’ve said or done. Instead of reacting without thinking, let yourself simply be with the uncomfortable feeling. What’s it trying to tell you? Is there something you need to acknowledge to yourself? Some way in which you’re out of integrity? Or maybe it’s pointing to a relationship that needs repair?
Think of it as the wisdom in your body trying to get your attention.
In Part 2: Understanding the difference between healthy and toxic shame.