For me, it’s beautiful when a man shows his tears. Because it’s rare in our culture for a man to display emotion in another man’s presence, I take it as a gift. A sign of his honesty and trust in me, and therefore something to be honored and respected.
I’m always surprised when a man blurts out “I’m sorry” as he starts to cry, though I probably shouldn’t be. After all, we’ve been taught most of our lives that tears are shameful for men. Heck, it might even have been the very first thing another human being said to us. Imagine a well meaning nurse in the delivery room, for example, trying to comfort a squalling newborn by saying, “There, there, now, big boys don’t cry!”
The truth is that most men rarely, if ever, show tears. It isn’t that we don’t feel grief and sadness. It’s just that we’ve been conditioned to repress our natural human response to grief. Tears are how the body releases and heals grief, but they also express our vulnerability. And our culture has had a hard time coming to terms with vulnerability in men.
Usually, a man will fight back tears if they start to appear. He’ll stop talking, look away, pretend he has something in his eye--anything to avoid embarrassing himself. He withdraws from the conversation rather than risking rejection. But what’s lost is the opportunity for connection.
Malidoma Somé, the African teacher and author, says “tears may be a language much older than words.” I believe him. It’s a language that bypasses the intellect, speaking directly from one heart to another. And it’s a language that we’ve largely forgotten.
In the men’s circle, we say “speak through your tears.” It means don’t hold back, and have the courage to keep talking, even if what you’re saying brings tears to your eyes. When we do, it opens something in everyone present, the man talking and the men listening, that feels powerful and sacred, because it’s authentic and real.
Paradoxically, it’s also joyful. Once we go beyond our cultural conditioning, tears can be an almost ecstatic kind of release. I remember seeing Homeward Bound, a live-action Disney movie about two dogs and a cat who make a perilous journey to be reunited with their human family, with my then 4-year old godson. As we were leaving the theater I asked him what part of the film he liked best. “The end,” he replied enthusiastically, “because that’s when the tears squirted out of my eyes!”
I invite you to notice the next time something tugs at your heartstrings. Do you clam up, shut down and pull away? Or do you take the opportunity to be brave and let the other person see what you’re feeling?
Not every person or situation is safe for vulnerability, of course. But you might be surprised at how understanding people can be when you risk opening up to them, and how hungry they often are for a real heart-to-heart connection.
Yes, even men.