Did you know there are two different kinds of anger? When we label anger as hurtful and destructive, we’re thinking about the most familiar kind of anger. And we’re right. It is hurtful – to others, to ourselves and to our relationships.
But there’s another kind of anger. One that’s actually healthy, and potentially able to build stronger relationships with the people around us. So what’s the difference? What makes one kind of anger toxic and another good for us?
To understand the distinction, it might be helpful to talk about the function of emotions in general. We have feelings for a reason. They are an important part of our mental and physical feedback system. Just like physical pain and discomfort, emotional pain wants our attention. It’s a message from the vast intelligence of our consciousness alerting us to something important, usually something we need.
In the case of anger, it’s the emotion we feel when the world doesn’t go the way we want. So anger shows us is where our boundaries are. It’s often a signal that we need to say “no” to someone or something to avoid violating our own values and well-being.
Unfortunately, most people are unaware of a healthy side to anger. Instead of listening intelligently to what their anger is trying to tell them, they push it away or blame it on someone else. But feelings denied are merely feelings delayed. When we suppress anger, either by ignoring it or holding someone else responsible for it, it doesn’t just go away. Unless circumstances change, the anger gets driven underground, only to pop up again, often magnified and at the worst possible moment. This is how toxic anger trips us up.
Healthy anger means recognizing the feeling and listening to what it’s showing us. It means taking responsibility for acting on behalf of our own needs and values and the needs and values of our most important relationships. Rather than diminishing others, healthy anger can be an act of courageous leadership that validates the worth and integrity of your family or organization and everyone it includes (including yourself).
Where have you been ignoring something that makes you angry? Where have you let resentment sour your opinion of the people in your life? I encourage you to examine what’s at stake, for you and the people around you, and see what it would take to speak up about it. Not to blame or criticize, but to make a stand for the highest good of everyone concerned.
The great poet Robert Frost wrote, "Good fences make good neighbors." Anger is often an alert that a fence needs to be guarded or mended. This is a natural, healthy inner response that can lead to honest discussions and clear agreements.
An important part of my work is helping people learn to differentiate between the toxic and healthy kinds of anger, and how (and when) to express them appropriately. I invite you to simply notice your fences and when you feel them being violated. Then notice whether your usual reaction is the first kind of anger or the second. You might be surprised at how clear you can become about the difference in a single day. And once you have clarity, you can begin to practice the healthy, honest expression of anger.